17 Weeks: Healing Needed

Baby B
Baby A (Not a huge size difference Baby B is zoomed)

On Monday I got some news that I was not expecting. As I sat on the ultrasound table yet again the technician told me she would give the doctor my results before sending me out for bloodwork. This is the usual procedure at the Perinatologists office so it didn't set off any alarms. My mom and I chatted it up about how much bigger the babies are and how they were kicking each other in the head and how they would get along in the future. I felt the appointment was a success, save for the fact that it was now the second appointment my husband missed - I was still in an absolute state of bliss. After a few minutes my doctor walked in, she looked bright and cheery and I still didn't suspect a thing.

She said Baby A is missing an essential part of it's brain. It may be to early to see it but I have a feeling its not there. I had no time to react in tears because she moved on to the course of action immediately. She gave a diagnosis of what it would be called if it was missing, and for the sake of not receiving the diagnosis I am no longer saying those words. In two weeks she wants me to come back for another scan when the baby and it's brain will be bigger. If we still don't see what's supposed to be there we will schedule an MRI. She asked about doing an amniocentisis which I objected to before she could get out the words. She still repeated it asking me if I knew what the procedure did. I stunned her and said yes I do and I know it comes with a risk of miscarriage which I am not willing to chance. So she sent me for a non invasive prenatal screening bloodwork called the Harmony test. I should have results for that in about 10 days.

I wasn't able to process my emotions right away on Monday, but after trying for several hours to give blood for the Harmony test her words and the diagnosis began to penetrate me. I felt anger rising in me again, I said why can't I just have it easy. I've been through so much to get pregnant and I just want my babies to be healthy. Is it really so much to ask? I started to ask myself did I really want to be a mom? But it's too late. I already am a Mom. These babies are relying on me for their very existence and I am relying on God to sustain them. Long before they were placed in my womb I had worries about them. I worried if they would make it pass fertilization. If they would hit the mark on every stage after that. If they would survive genetic testing and freezing. I worried if they would settle into my empty never been pregnant womb. And you know what? They did. God brought them from small microscopic cells to tiny humans with beating hearts that are floating around in my womb. So I believe he can heal them too.

Admittedly I struggled to eat and breathe my way to Tuesday. I even delayed writing this post when my emotions were raw and while my wound was gushing red matter. I delayed writing this because I didn't want to have a pity party, and its so very easy to do with my personality. Instead I am writing this now that I have found my strength to stand while clinging to God and his healing word. I am sharing this because I need you my readers, my fellow believers, my sisters and maybe a few brothers in Christ to pray for my Baby A. I ask that you pray specfically for the baby's brain to be fully functioning and fully developed as God intended. That He would continue to knit my baby together in the seclusion of my womb. Please pray for complete healing and that the doctors would see exactly what they are supposed to see by 18 weeks. I also ask that you pray for Baby B who is in excellent health, we all know that with twins they are really in this together. Often times that means that the survival of one twin is contingent on the survival and health of the other.

I will be back at the doctor on July 28th at 3pm. I need you my prayer warriors to set your alarms and lift us up in prayer as we have our scan and daily before that. I believe in God's healing powers and I believe in the power of prayer. Please rally your friends and other prayer warriors and ask them to pray too. I hope you can do this for me. We really need you.

Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. James 5:16

16 Weeks: Inexperienced Doctors

Yesterday we reached 16 weeks in our pregnancy. Such a huge blessing and each day I am feeling more and more blessed to carry these little ones. We had a very brief ultrasound to check their heart rates, so we didn't get to see them play much. But even a glimpse of them is good enough to make my heart smile. We have another appointment next week with our perinatologist also known as a high risk doctor.

There is nothing wrong with me physically that makes me high risk but since twin pregnancies are more complicated this is more of a precaution than anything. I am getting more thorough care and checks on the babies to make sure the pregnancy is safe for all three of us.

My OBGYN office is a large practice so I am currently in rotation to meet all the doctors just in case my doctor is not on call when I am ready to deliver. I was not satisfied with my OB when I met her a month ago in fact I cried after leaving the appointment. She was very cold and callused to cover up her inexperience with delivering twins naturally. When I asked her about a vaginal delivery in the best circumstance she immediately came up with all excuses about why it was still dangerous, she was trying to scare me. Instead she just angered me because I've done my research and read articles and books written by doctors that have more experience with multiples and I know it's not as dangerous as she made it seem. Even singleton deliveries have their risk and twin risk are not much higher with a skilled doctor. This doctor was ready to schedule my c-section date at my 12 weeks visit. So I am positive I wont be seeing her again.

As I returned to the office yesterday my intention was to see if I would allow this practice to continue caring for me. I knew I would be seeing a new doctor and was armed with questions to see if this was the place for me. I was waiting on the ultrasound table when the new doctor walked in and she had a huge glow about her. She was smiling and excited to look at the twins. After she introduced herself my mom and I immediately asked her questions about her experience with multiple deliveries vaginally. She told us all about her adventures and let us know that both she and another doctor in the practice would be thrilled to deliver our babies vaginally under the right conditions. Oh praise the LORD!!! She made me so happy I could have kissed her. She also introduced me to the other doctor who was thrilled about the prospects of delivering our babies. So needless to say I have already changed my doctor and I am now under the primary care of a doctor who is excited to support me to the delivery of my dreams. Thank you all for your prayers I know for sure God is answering them daily. Please keep them coming. Ironically both babies were head down as if they know what I am expecting from them in 24 more weeks, hehe.

With that said I am not opposed to a c-section if it is required for the right reasons but I am opposed to being forcibly cut because a doctor lacks experience.

As for the babies their heartbeats are wonderful and strong baby A is 169 and baby B is 174. On Monday we will have somewhat of an anatomy scan and I can't wait. I've felt them flipping, turning and squirming for about 2.5 weeks. It's getting stronger and more frequent, its an odd feeling but I do love feeling it. In fact I can feel them moving as I type. We also are pretty sure they can hear because a few times they have responded to loud noises. Right now I we love eating mangos, hummus sandwiches, pasta salad, chilled grapefruit juice, and seaweed snacks. I am excited for my belly to grow and the movements to get stronger so I can share them with the hubs and my family. This is quite an experience!

The Night I Killed A Possum


It's hard to believe that as of last Wednesday I was not only 15 weeks pregnant but my sweet husband and I have now been married for 9 years. I have been looking forward to getting to this anniversary for quite some time, mainly to finally start planning our 10 year vow renewal and trip to India. Now we have other things on the horizon with two little ones on the way our plans have changed.

Our anniversary was low key and involved a lot of time at the beach. I can't say I am disappointed because I am still too lazy to do any major traveling so it was a welcomed experience.

At dinner or bedtime each night we talked about memories that we have over the course of these years. One particular memory was the night I was driving to his job to bring him food and I ran over a possum. I cried all the way to his job and when he came out he though something terrible happened to me. When I told him I hit a possum he looked at me with big eyes and then belly laughed. I was so mad with him for laughing that he agreed to spend his break going back with me to the scene of the crime to really see if the possum was injured. We did find his corpse, there was blood and hair stains on the car. I started to cry again. He told me this weekend that he thought sobbing over a dead possum was absolutely ridiculous and he only stopped laughing to spare my feelings. He also said he went back to work and told all his friends. What a way to support your wife huh?

If we made it through moving, infertility, maturing, and killing a possum we can make it through anything.

Cheers to 9 years.

Thumb Suckers

It's hard to believe that we reached 13 weeks in our pregnancy yesterday. In an effort to keep up with this as some sort of a diary I am posting the updates here.

The babies are doing absolutely fantastic. This pregnancy has been a huge blessing from God. We when found out we were pregnant I had minor symptoms like hunger and fatigue but I have been blessed to escape the morning sickness. One day after waking and taking estrace (a fertility drug) on an empty stomach I was nauseous the entire day. I thought that was the onset of my morning sickness and I frantically texted two friends asking for help. They told me to arm myself with all things ginger and crackers. I got all the things I needed and as the day went on I realized I didn't really desire morning sickness. In fact I was terrified at the thought of puking and feeling nauseous all day. I remember reading a book that suggested to pray for what I desired in a pregnancy. My conception wasn't the norm and this pregnancy didn't have to be either. I literally pleaded with God and recited scriptures to avoid morning sickness. That was the only day I had like that. Each week when I went to my doctor they asked how I was feeling and I told them I was fine they were amazed. After finding out we were expecting twins they grew more and more in awe of the fact that I wasn't sick at all. I almost couldn't believe it myself. But here I am 9 weeks later without a single shred of morning sickness and I am so grateful.

On the other hand I wasn't able to escape the fatigue, hunger and gigantic sore boobies but hey I will take that over toilet bowl hugging.

My appetite is crazy but the babies and I can only tolerate certain foods and we aren't very fond of protein rich foods being cooked in our presence. I could gag at the thought of smelling chicken being cooked. Thankfully my mom has been cooking for my husband and I so I haven't had to deal with nasty food smells too much. The babies have also decided to help with that as they prefer takeout so we aren't anywhere near the kitchen.

Other than a little pregnant lady craziness, hunger, and fatigue I feel somewhat normal and sometimes I don't feel all that pregnant. I have discovered that so much of being pregnant revolves around not relying on your feelings. Sometimes during infertility treatments women feel so sure they are pregnant only to be let down by a negative result. I was just so sure I wasn't pregnant when I found out in April, and even now some days I wake up not so sure - my faith muscle is growing really really strong as I endure this new period of waiting.

Back to the babies, at 13 weeks these little miracles sleep, suck their thumbs, bounce around, do handstands, kick their legs, and from what it seems they might slightly annoy one another. During the course of the ultrasound we saw that the babies are on different schedules one would be asleep and the other would be awake. Their little personalities are shining and its quite a treat to peek into their dark secluded home. I always wonder what they are up to and I am reminded that they have everything they need in the darkness including God. It's wonderful to know they want for nothing and it sets my mind at ease.

Since twin pregnancies are consider high risk I am seeing both an OBGYN and a Perinatologist to ensure we are getting adequate care. This week was my first appointment with my Peri since moving to Florida and I am in love. It's just too bad that they don't deliver babies. We will be seeing both doctors monthly to make sure the babies are growing well. Our next appointment will be at 16 weeks and I was told it would be some what of an anatomy scan. I am hesitant about this appointment because I don't want the sexes of the babies to be reveal to us. The hubby and I have decided that we would like to be surprised at their birth.

We do have a prayer request. Though it's early I would like to request prayers for a continued healthy pregnancy and a optimal positions for a vaginal delivery. Please pray that I would be in the hands of a doctor that is experienced with twin deliveries and is eager to support through a natural childbirth.

So that's what we've got going on right now. How are you lovelies?

In Transition


So I've been quite the blogger these last couple months. Things are just a bit crazy to say the least. If you don't know my husband and I moved from NYC to Florida just two weeks ago. We are now trying to settle back into to the Florida life and it's somewhat of an adjustment. The adage time waits for no man is so true. So much has changed in the 2 years we've been gone. The only thing that stayed the same were our families. Our church, small groups, friends, neighborhood and so much more has all changed and we find ourselves feeling somewhat foreign to our surroundings again. All though its good to be home and among family part of me longs for the settled feeling that we had in New York. 

I now feel like I am in transition all over again. Not to mention I am in my 4th month of pregnancy and have no motivation whatsoever to do anything besides lay on the couch and eat. The few boxes we brought with us have not been packed away and we are still waiting on the interstate movers to bring the rest of our things. All I can say is Lord give me strength because this is not what I imagined life would be like when I was expecting.

Moving aside, all things are well with the babies and I. They are growing and developing so much that it amazes me. I have been somewhat of a wreck since graduating from my RE at 8 weeks pregnant. I found myself addicted to seeing the babies weekly. Now I see them monthly and sometimes biweekly depending on when I meet with the high risk doctor. All throughout our struggle to conceive God has been working on me so that I would experience a deeper trust in him and he is not done with me yet. Like so many newly pregnant mama's I wanted to get a doppler so I could check on the babies every day. But the Holy Spirit talked me out of that and I am now using my faith muscle and speaking life over these babies every single day. God has been true to his promises and they continue to thrive under his protection.

Life isn't quite the way I imagined it would be but it's good. 

I am not as capable as I was before pregnancy. I am forgetful, lazy, and unmotivated but I know that even in my weakness God's strength is displayed. He will give me the gusto that I need to get our home in order and to prepare the room for the babies arrival. He will keep my womb closed tightly as we wait for the babies Christmas Eve arrival. He will provide all of our known and unknown needs. Until then I'm waiting and trusting, we are in transition. 

Sharing Our Story

Hey loves. I am sharing our infertility journey over on the Wifessionals blog today. This is a perfect time to catch up and see how far God has brought us. If you are struggling to conceive I encourage you to read it, I reread it for the first time since writing it and it brought me to tears to see God's faithfulness. 

Borrowed from Wifessionals
This journey was never easy but I can see now that it was always blessed. As always thanks for all your support, prayers and encouragement. xo



After traveling 1300 miles over the weekend we made it to Florida!!

The two of us and the babies are here to stay. Thank you NYC for a deeper relationship with Christ and each other, 2 years of city living and good food, and most importantly these wonderful babies to come! I'll share more on this later, I'm hoping to pop in more as soon as we get settled!

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