A Whole Year?!

30 December 2015


My heart just burst at the seams the day I found out that we were finally pregnant. It was April 16, 2014. From that day I struggled to see a future beyond the day that was in front of me. I could never imagine being at this point, mother of one year old miracle T W I N S. Just the thought of it overwhelms me, delights me and makes me want to weep at the same time. The days before their birthday brought me so much sadness. Don't get me wrong its been a complete joy watching them grow and learn from one day to the next. I am astounded with how much I have been able to teach them and the fact that I haven't lost my mind by caring for them. I am sad because I can never get those moments back again and this time has been so short.

Yesterday they had a party and that Saturday fell directly on their birthday. I woke up at 5am intending on waking them so that they could nap for 2 hours and wake up minutes before their party. My top priority was that they be well rested to enjoy their day. I scrambled around, stopping to weep as I looked at decor and their birthday cake. How does a whole year fly by so fast? It seemed like just the day before I was walking into the hospital frightened at what the birthing experience would be like for me. During the time that we waited for these miracles I lost confidence in my body as it couldn't do a basic function like bringing forth life. So many procedures and thousands of dollars later not one but two miracles were in my womb and waiting to come into the world. I was afraid because everyone says twins are high risk, if you are pregnant with twins you can't do this or that. Again I received another miracle, I carried to term and birthed my beautiful baby boys naturally. As I reflect on that day I glimpse over to view sleeping boys on the baby monitor. How does a whole year fly by so fast?

I hope I maximized the moments, I hope I took enough pictures and videos, and I hope they got enough love. Some of my memory has already begun to fade. Some things I thought I'd never forget are slipping from my grasp. How did a whole year fly by so fast? 

I know one thing is for sure. If I ever get to do this again, I will slow way down. I will be intentional about my time and my thoughts. I will cherish every single second of every single day because a year flies by so incredibly fast.

Happy Birthday to my beautiful sons, Chauncey and Oliver. You are my greatest blessing and my purpose in life. I cant imagine living a single moment without your sweet faces. 

I hope you enjoy this glimpse into their Beary First Birthday Party. Our theme was a woodsy pancakes and pajamas party for our sweet baby bears.


Please do not use any images without my permission, thank you.











E L E V E N

14 November 2015



I seriously cannot believe how insanely fast this year has gone by. I have thoroughly enjoyed every minute of having these precious baby boys. With less than a month before their 1st Birthday, 11 has never held such a special place in my heart.

11 is the last time I can called them infants. Next month on the 12th they will be 12 months old, officially toddlers. There is so much change happening yet so much remains the same. No matter how old they become they will always be my babies as they have made me the happiest mother on the planet.

Im sitting down at my desk watching them sleep soundly on the baby monitor. Each night I take in a little more of their babyhood. I inhale their smell, touch their soft skin, listen to their sweet snore, and enjoy the way they rest in my presence. With baited breath I await the days where they will no longer need me. Its seriously depressing to think about. I know that there is a season for everything and part of me is excited for the rest of journey God has laid before us. With all that I will miss in the past there is so much in the future too look forward to.

So welcome, 11. I ask that you be kind to my mama heart. Linger a little while before letting my sweet boys turn O N E.

7 hours.

21 September 2015

I can hardly sleep, as its been a little over 24 hours since my good friends lost their baby. Doctors originally told her that he wouldn't live at birth because of a defect with his kidneys that caused weakened lungs. They urged her to abort her baby, coldly they said "the faster this is done the faster you can get pregnant again". Just like that they dismissed the significance of his little life. They reduce the suffering she endured for 3 years as she and her husband tried to conceive again.

It's such a shame how many doctors really have no clue what infertility is like. Just like my friend I was encouraged to abort my pregnancy when ultrasounds revealed to doctors what would be unfavorable results. All my charts said I conceive via IVF. These were miracle babies but they didn't care. My friend and I have the same belief system, the Lord is supreme and he alone dictates life and death. She and her husband chose to allow God the time to perform a miracle in their baby's life. If he didn't they knew that he would equip them to deal with grief and comfort them through it all.

Just this weekend after 9 months of carrying a baby that doctors didn't believe would be born alive, she gave birth. Baby Dakota was born crying and breathing. Though he was weak he defied odds and lived for 7 golden hours. His mother and father were able to snuggle and kiss him for the entire time. They were able to pray for him and praise God for him. The death of a baby is hard, it hurts so much. I'm not even his mother and I mourn for him. I hate that my friends are going through this but I am glad for them they they'll never wonder what if.

Had this family succumbed to the pressures to abort their baby they would have never know what his face looked like, what his cries sounded like, and what his warm skin felt like pressed up against theirs. There are no what ifs since this sweet baby was given a chance at life. His family will long for his presence and imagine how life would have been with him, but they'll never have to wonder if he would have survived if they had given him the chance. They did all that they could do. I'm heartbroken for them, and struggling myself to understand but I know redemption will win.

Please if you can pray for my friends that they would have comfort and peace during this devastating time. 

Regrets

04 July 2015


Being a new mother is hard. Especially when your reality is fighting against your fantasy - all while stealing your sanity.

I was browsing through my photos today and there is so much of those early days that I don't remember. I pushed myself to the extreme with worries about not being adequate enough for my babies because of this there are chunks of time and days that I can't recollect.

If I could go back in time to before my sons were born this is what I'd say to myself.

Dear Self,

You are amazing. You've conquered this twin pregnancy like a beast. You gave up so much of what you thought pregnancy would be like for the health and safety of your boys. It's absolutely okay to lay on the couch or bed as much as you want to keep those babies baking and you can absolutely eat what you want. That weight will fly off faster than it went on. Your body knows how to grow these babies. You will carry them to term.

Don't worry about the doctors said about your baby they don't know the future. You will have a son and he will be perfect. Don't entertain thoughts of him dying or being deformed. Plan and buy for a twin nursery, both of your babies will survive. Ignore all those scary prenatal test, you will not take the lives of these little ones no matter what you find out. 

You will overcome all the breastfeeding  challenges that come your way, so be easy on yourself. Your boys will love you because you are more than enough for them. Enjoy motherhood, the ups and the downs because right now, your future self misses pregnancy and the early days of motherhood. Moments are fleeting and babies don't keep.

Love Always,
Future Self

We Can't Fail

30 June 2015



"They are perfect, they are beautiful, God bless them."

I was quickly changing diapers in the back of my SUV in Target's parking lot. As I looked over my shoulder I saw a man smiling at our double stroller. He peeked over at my boys who lay down on a mat cooing at each other. The words rolled of the tongue of an absolute stranger and were filled with so much love. I beamed with pride agreeing with everything he'd spoken, while politely saying thank you.

I'll admit, in the hours after giving birth and discovering I now had two sons I panicked for a moment. You see, black men have always had it hard. And most recently 2012-2015 have been tumultuous for the black people as a whole, but especially for our men. Black men are being slain left and right whether they were wrong or right - innocent or not and the slain innocent receive no justice. These men are being senselessly killed and the courts have proven that their lives have little to no value. Most of the times I watch these cases and I feel hurt for the victims. Now becoming a mother my heartaches more for their families as I couldn't imagine what it would feel like to live without my children. It's even more awful to know that people would treat them poorly because of their skin. Right now they receive so much love as babies even though they are black, so what changes as they become black men?

My boys mean the world to me. Like the stranger who could see beyond their skin, I too think they are perfect and beautiful. I just wish I could assure that the rest of the world would see them that way. It's my prayer that their character would proceed their skin in everything they do. I've vowed to raise them as men who love God and his people. I've done my best to build a relationship with a man who God has called to be their father and we are already brainstorming on the best ways to raise our black sons.

We don't want them to fit societies view of a black man, we will remind them everyday that they were made in the image of God. We want them to know that family is important and that men have a huge responsibility for the women they marry and the children they create. We want them to know that they don't have to please people they just need to please God. We want to raise them to know that the standard is not money, women, and cars - the standard is faith, hope, and charity. This is quite a task and the hardest one at that, no other race of mothers or fathers have to worry about their child being jailed or killed simply because of their skin.

I know this isn't going to be easy and I fully expect some challenges on the way. However when I look at the state of the world I know that we MUST raise well rounded young men. We MUST educate our sons about the realities they face. We cannot fail, in this world failure is not an option. Until the days come where we are gently leading them to Christ I'm going to enjoy these purely innocent snuggles and endlessly wet kisses. I'm going to soak up the love they receive from strangers and pray that as they grow society would see Christ in them. 

xo


Wounded Warrior Project + A Giveaway

19 May 2015



We are closing in on yet another Memorial Day celebration. I think its really easy to get caught up with BBQs, beach days, and just having the day off work. I live very close to an Airforce base so my community is filled with the men and women who serve our country. I also have friends who served and lost their lives and many who are still serving us now.  Aside from all the celebrating I think its really good to sit back and reflect on what Memorial Day is really about and how many soldiers have given their lives, limbs and hearts for our freedom. I think its important to find ways to give back to those who have so freely given so much to us.

I have the opportunity to spotlight a wonderful story about our own American Sniper Chris Kyle, who lost his life in 2013. His story made it the big screen and as of today the Clint Eastwood directed movie is available for purchase on DVD. Warner Brothers is doing a really great thing in the community, for each DVD that is purchased they will be donated one dollar to the Wounded Warrior Project. They will be donated for each sale whether digital or physical until the last day of the year.

The Wounded Warrior Project helps those that were injured while serving our country. They also raise the awareness of the public about the service men and women that need our aide. If you are interested in learning more about the Wounded Warrior Project be sure to check out the link above.

Along with sharing the news of this DVD release and The Wounded Warrior Project I also have  opportunity to giveaway a copy of the DVD to one of my readers and a friend. I've already given one copy to my best friends husband who is also a Sniper. If you would like a copy of the DVD comment below and on my post on Instagram telling me what your plans are for this Memorial Day.


Because....

15 May 2015


I love them because their existence seemed so impossible.

I love them because it was a journey to get them here.

I love them because they are the fulfillment of a promise and a dream made real.

I love them because they represent the best parts of my husband and I. 

I love them because they make me a better me.

I love them because they teach me patience, forgiveness, and humility.

I love them because they remind me that God hears.

I love them because innocence is attractive. 

I love them because they are both my biggest blessing and challenge.

I love them because they are here and they belong to me.
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