7 hours.

21 September 2015

I can hardly sleep, as its been a little over 24 hours since my good friends lost their baby. Doctors originally told her that he wouldn't live at birth because of a defect with his kidneys that caused weakened lungs. They urged her to abort her baby, coldly they said "the faster this is done the faster you can get pregnant again". Just like that they dismissed the significance of his little life. They reduce the suffering she endured for 3 years as she and her husband tried to conceive again.

It's such a shame how many doctors really have no clue what infertility is like. Just like my friend I was encouraged to abort my pregnancy when ultrasounds revealed to doctors what would be unfavorable results. All my charts said I conceive via IVF. These were miracle babies but they didn't care. My friend and I have the same belief system, the Lord is supreme and he alone dictates life and death. She and her husband chose to allow God the time to perform a miracle in their baby's life. If he didn't they knew that he would equip them to deal with grief and comfort them through it all.

Just this weekend after 9 months of carrying a baby that doctors didn't believe would be born alive, she gave birth. Baby Dakota was born crying and breathing. Though he was weak he defied odds and lived for 7 golden hours. His mother and father were able to snuggle and kiss him for the entire time. They were able to pray for him and praise God for him. The death of a baby is hard, it hurts so much. I'm not even his mother and I mourn for him. I hate that my friends are going through this but I am glad for them they they'll never wonder what if.

Had this family succumbed to the pressures to abort their baby they would have never know what his face looked like, what his cries sounded like, and what his warm skin felt like pressed up against theirs. There are no what ifs since this sweet baby was given a chance at life. His family will long for his presence and imagine how life would have been with him, but they'll never have to wonder if he would have survived if they had given him the chance. They did all that they could do. I'm heartbroken for them, and struggling myself to understand but I know redemption will win.

Please if you can pray for my friends that they would have comfort and peace during this devastating time. 


04 July 2015

Being a new mother is hard. Especially when your reality is fighting against your fantasy - all while stealing your sanity.

I was browsing through my photos today and there is so much of those early days that I don't remember. I pushed myself to the extreme with worries about not being adequate enough for my babies because of this there are chunks of time and days that I can't recollect.

If I could go back in time to before my sons were born this is what I'd say to myself.

Dear Self,

You are amazing. You've conquered this twin pregnancy like a beast. You gave up so much of what you thought pregnancy would be like for the health and safety of your boys. It's absolutely okay to lay on the couch or bed as much as you want to keep those babies baking and you can absolutely eat what you want. That weight will fly off faster than it went on. Your body knows how to grow these babies. You will carry them to term.

Don't worry about the doctors said about your baby they don't know the future. You will have a son and he will be perfect. Don't entertain thoughts of him dying or being deformed. Plan and buy for a twin nursery, both of your babies will survive. Ignore all those scary prenatal test, you will not take the lives of these little ones no matter what you find out. 

You will overcome all the breastfeeding  challenges that come your way, so be easy on yourself. Your boys will love you because you are more than enough for them. Enjoy motherhood, the ups and the downs because right now, your future self misses pregnancy and the early days of motherhood. Moments are fleeting and babies don't keep.

Love Always,
Future Self

We Can't Fail

30 June 2015

"They are perfect, they are beautiful, God bless them."

I was quickly changing diapers in the back of my SUV in Target's parking lot. As I looked over my shoulder I saw a man smiling at our double stroller. He peeked over at my boys who lay down on a mat cooing at each other. The words rolled of the tongue of an absolute stranger and were filled with so much love. I beamed with pride agreeing with everything he'd spoken, while politely saying thank you.

I'll admit, in the hours after giving birth and discovering I now had two sons I panicked for a moment. You see, black men have always had it hard. And most recently 2012-2015 have been tumultuous for the black people as a whole, but especially for our men. Black men are being slain left and right whether they were wrong or right - innocent or not and the slain innocent receive no justice. These men are being senselessly killed and the courts have proven that their lives have little to no value. Most of the times I watch these cases and I feel hurt for the victims. Now becoming a mother my heartaches more for their families as I couldn't imagine what it would feel like to live without my children. It's even more awful to know that people would treat them poorly because of their skin. Right now they receive so much love as babies even though they are black, so what changes as they become black men?

My boys mean the world to me. Like the stranger who could see beyond their skin, I too think they are perfect and beautiful. I just wish I could assure that the rest of the world would see them that way. It's my prayer that their character would proceed their skin in everything they do. I've vowed to raise them as men who love God and his people. I've done my best to build a relationship with a man who God has called to be their father and we are already brainstorming on the best ways to raise our black sons.

We don't want them to fit societies view of a black man, we will remind them everyday that they were made in the image of God. We want them to know that family is important and that men have a huge responsibility for the women they marry and the children they create. We want them to know that they don't have to please people they just need to please God. We want to raise them to know that the standard is not money, women, and cars - the standard is faith, hope, and charity. This is quite a task and the hardest one at that, no other race of mothers or fathers have to worry about their child being jailed or killed simply because of their skin.

I know this isn't going to be easy and I fully expect some challenges on the way. However when I look at the state of the world I know that we MUST raise well rounded young men. We MUST educate our sons about the realities they face. We cannot fail, in this world failure is not an option. Until the days come where we are gently leading them to Christ I'm going to enjoy these purely innocent snuggles and endlessly wet kisses. I'm going to soak up the love they receive from strangers and pray that as they grow society would see Christ in them. 


Wounded Warrior Project + A Giveaway

19 May 2015

We are closing in on yet another Memorial Day celebration. I think its really easy to get caught up with BBQs, beach days, and just having the day off work. I live very close to an Airforce base so my community is filled with the men and women who serve our country. I also have friends who served and lost their lives and many who are still serving us now.  Aside from all the celebrating I think its really good to sit back and reflect on what Memorial Day is really about and how many soldiers have given their lives, limbs and hearts for our freedom. I think its important to find ways to give back to those who have so freely given so much to us.

I have the opportunity to spotlight a wonderful story about our own American Sniper Chris Kyle, who lost his life in 2013. His story made it the big screen and as of today the Clint Eastwood directed movie is available for purchase on DVD. Warner Brothers is doing a really great thing in the community, for each DVD that is purchased they will be donated one dollar to the Wounded Warrior Project. They will be donated for each sale whether digital or physical until the last day of the year.

The Wounded Warrior Project helps those that were injured while serving our country. They also raise the awareness of the public about the service men and women that need our aide. If you are interested in learning more about the Wounded Warrior Project be sure to check out the link above.

Along with sharing the news of this DVD release and The Wounded Warrior Project I also have  opportunity to giveaway a copy of the DVD to one of my readers and a friend. I've already given one copy to my best friends husband who is also a Sniper. If you would like a copy of the DVD comment below and on my post on Instagram telling me what your plans are for this Memorial Day.


15 May 2015

I love them because their existence seemed so impossible.

I love them because it was a journey to get them here.

I love them because they are the fulfillment of a promise and a dream made real.

I love them because they represent the best parts of my husband and I. 

I love them because they make me a better me.

I love them because they teach me patience, forgiveness, and humility.

I love them because they remind me that God hears.

I love them because innocence is attractive. 

I love them because they are both my biggest blessing and challenge.

I love them because they are here and they belong to me.


10 May 2015

It's been quiet here on my blog, but this space is currently no reflection of my life and the beautiful chaos it includes.  I'm a mother now. I am still on the hunt for the balance between being a wife, mother, and myself.

As I type this now my sweet husband has agreed to give me a little space and put our littlest bear to sleep. He's currently fighting it and I'm torn between abandoning this post to wrap my arms around him or to continue enjoying a little time to myself. Motherhood, its a constant battle of choices.

It's hard for me to put into words the way I felt about Mother's Day for the last 7 or so years, mainly because I just hid from the day and pretended it didn't exist. Last year around this time I was newly pregnant, hardly anyone could tell but I boasted about it because I was so thrilled to be closing in on my dreams. This year I have been a mother to twin boys for 5 months. This holiday can bring so much pain in the world that I have escaped from. Even with giggling babes on my lap I am still finding it hard to love a day that hurts so many. Yes it'll be nice to celebrate but I hurt for all those that ache to be mothers. I hold on to the dream that sweet friends of mine will soon have babes in their arms and know the joy of parenting their very own little ones - whether by birth, adoption, or any other means God has in mind. Until then I pray for each one of them, that God will soothe their broken hearts and that they would feel his love on them each and everyday. I have not forgotten you, I think of and pray for you often.

Happy Mother's Day to all you Mommies out there, including the Mommies at heart.


08 May 2015

All of a sudden everything about our whimsical boy meets girl romance seems hard. A single conversation, cuddle session, or movie night seems like a real impossibility. Our twosome is now a foursome, seemingly overnight. We are both still learning how to adapt to our new roles of Mommy + Daddy without abandoning our roles of Husband + Wife.

I just finished mulling over an article a fellow twin mama sent me. It talked about how parents of multiples experienced divorce, financial pain, and child abuse at a higher rate. The word DIVORCE stood out to me as I pondered how such a beautiful experience could lead to such an ugly demise. Child abuse is also horrendous but that's not on my radar.

My husband and I are never getting a divorce, but I can see how it could happen. Having twins has been the greatest experience in our lives but it's quite the challenge as it comes with both joys and stressors. Today I found myself craving alone time when my husband and I had nearly two hours to ourselves . I felt like I needed to decompress and at the same time the Holy Spirit whispered to me to hang out with him. Instead I hurried towards the door insistent on a little me time at Starbucks. We could have watched a movie, taken a walk, or just spent time chatting with one another but I put my needs first. While I understand that sometimes that might be necessary it wasn't today.

Everything just seems harder now after five months of accidentally neglecting our marriage. I was tired, I'm in pain, the babies need me, are all the ways of putting ourselves before our most precious possession, our marriage. We both know we are overdue for a date night and we've discussed the logistics of planning one but we still haven't taken the plung. Reading that article tonight makes me wonder how many of these couples unintentionally neglected their relationships, and how many actually planned and went through with date nights? I don't want to be one of those couples. We've survived and thrived through so many different things that have come our way. In just two short months we will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary and I want it to be meaningful and magical. I still remember all the reasons why we got married and all the reasons why my husband and I are best friends. We just need a reconnection. One of my dear friends talked about being intentional in the relationship and that's exactly the key. The same way I am intentional about getting out of the house for myself I need to do the same for my marriage.

My husband has persued dates with me for a few weeks now. I've set things up to have the babes taken care of, so here is to hoping I can report back about having a wonderful date this weekend. Please pray it works out for us!
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